After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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