Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
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