found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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