my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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