So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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