guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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