She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
