well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
