i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
