We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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