dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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