the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
