Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
