it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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