I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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