i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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