Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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