my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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