sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
