College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
