hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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