Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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