my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
