It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
