how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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