If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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