i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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