i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
