someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
