Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
