ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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