Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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