Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
