A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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