Screwed.edu
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I came so hard my ears popped.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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