hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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