Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
