he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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