using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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