Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
