how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
