if i can run in heels then i can drive
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
