this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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