Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
