if only i could text you this smell
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
