Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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