I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Welp...herpes.
well you can't waste a boner
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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