listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
