OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
