So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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