Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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