Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
